Mrs. Sports Human Breaks Down Her Bracket

Posted on March 13, 2012 by S.Human

We’ve all heard the stories of women (and sports uneducated men) picking their NCAA bracket based on things like mascot, team colors or uniforms. But what would a bracket look like from someone who doesn’t even know that much information about the teams they are picking? Well thanks to Mrs. Sports Human you will now get to see such a bracket. I sat down with her to get the reasoning behind her picks, here is her hard hitting analysis that is sure to make you rethink your own bracket. These are her words verbatim, my commentary is in parenthesis.

SOUTH REGION

UConn over Iowa State in second round: We used to live in Connecticut. (slightly impressed she knew UConn stood for Connecticut, off to a great start)

Wichita State over VCU in second round: Wichita, Kansas right? My grandma has a corn field in Kansas. (We’ll assume said cornfield is in the rural outpost of Wichita)

South Dakota St over Baylor in second round: People that go to Baylor are weird. (Here! Here!)

Mrs. Sports Human called me what?

Lehigh over Duke in the second round: I hate Duke basketball because I went to a Duke game as a kid and the coach would not stay off the court. I kept yelling at him to stay off the court but he wouldn’t. (I have no idea when or where this supposed game occurred was but I didn’t question her because she seemed pretty passionate about it)

Xavier over Notre Dame in the second round: A girl I hate likes Notre Dame. (Is it Digger Phelps?)

Bitch!

New Mexico State over Indiana and Wichita State in second and third rounds: My best friend lives in New Mexico (guess grandma’s corn doesn’t mean that much anymore)

Lehigh over Xavier in the third round: I don’t care for the word Xavier, it’s weird. (not weird enough that she would pick her enemies’ team over them in the second round apparently)

Kentucky over New Mexico State in the Sweet Sixteen: I love Ashley Judd! (apparently more than her friend in New Mexico)

Gratuitous Ashley Judd Picture

UNLV over Kentucky advancing to the Final Four: I love Las Vegas, I’ve been going there since I was little. (Again, slightly impressed she knew UNLV stood for Las Vegas, baby steps)

WEST REGION

LIU Brooklyn over Michigan State in the second round: My biggest nemesis in high school used to wear one of those big puffy Michigan jackets and I’ve hated them ever since. (the jacket was blue and gold…)

Sale on Sparty Jackets

Colorado State over Murray State in the second round: I used to know a girl who’s last name was Murray and she was a bitch. (did she also wear puffy jackets?)

Louisville over Davidson and New Mexico in the second and third rounds: Louisville makes me think of baseball and when we went to the Babe Ruth place and stayed at the bed and breakfast. (she’s referring to a trip to Cooperstown we took a couple years ago, apparently all the information she picked up from the visit to the Baseball Hall of Fame was Babe Ruth and Louisville Slugger)

BYU over Marquette and Colorado State in the second and third rounds: I love Boston, it’s a pretty city….wait what does the ‘Y’ stand for? (I gave her the correct answer of ‘Young’ and she just went with it, Boston Young University to the Sweet Sixteen!)

Saint Louis advancing to the Elite Eight: Because you love St. Louis! (it is true I love the St. Louis Cardinals, the Billikens not so much, but you can imagine her reaction when I told her the mascot)

Seriously, WTF is this?

Florida advancing to the Final Four: I love going to Florida and drinking sweet tea vodka on the beach. (I need a sweet tea vodka to get through this interview)

EAST REGION

Vanderbilt over Harvard in the second round: I’m a Yale fan because my cousin played football there so I hate Harvard. (she knew a rivalry??? These are pride tears!)

Wisconsin over Montana in the second round: I like their accents. (that makes one of us)

Bro: What accent, yo? Hipster: Whatever

Texas over Cincinnati in the second round: Because we live in Texas. (confirmed)

Gonzaga over West Virginia in the second round: This was my hardest pick because you know how I always want West Virginia to win but Gonzaga was always respectful when they came to play us in college. (1. I had no idea she always wanted West Virginia to win and 2. I checked and Gonzaga has never played against our alma mater in basketball)

Ohio State over Loyala and Gonzaga in the second and third rounds: I have family in Ohio, they ride motorcycles. (so I guess Gonzaga isn’t THAT respectful)

The in-laws out for a spin

Vanderbilt over Wisconsin in the third round: The word ‘Wisconsin’ wouldn’t fit in the space on the bracket. (please note that Vandy does, that’s right, she knew Vandy was short for Vanderbilt!)

Kansas State over Syracuse and advancing to the Elite Eight: My aunt went to Kansas State, and I think their little bird mascot is cute. (you mean the Jayhawk?? Also it must be noted she had this upset pick BEFORE Melo went down, she obviously knows more than you)

Go Cats!

Florida State advancing to the Final Four: Like I said, I love Florida. (so this means South Florida out of the Midwest? stay tuned)

MIDWEST REGION

Georgetown over Belmont in the second round: I read a lot of books and it seems like there are a lot of characters that go to Georgetown. (Twilight Part 4: Vampire Hoyas)

Google Image Search 'Twilight' + 'Dawg' and you get an Xzibit Meme!

California/South Florida over Temple in the second round: I love California and Florida both equally. (there is some controversy here, apparently she decided Cal and USF could combine teams to beat Temple because she likes both states)

North Carolina advancing to the Sweet 16: One Tree Hill takes place in North Carolina. (and apparently Nathan and Lucas are going to suit up for the Heels…wait, why do I know that?)

Who's couch did Coach Williams kill to make that jacket?

San Diego State over NC State and Georgetown in second and third rounds: I love California. (what, no love for Raleigh?)

Ohio over Michigan in the first round and advancing to the Elite Eight: Hate Michigan because of puffy jacket and family lives in Ohio. (so does she think puffy jacket is half Michigan half Michigan State? I won’t ask)

Thankfully Mrs. S still lets me wear my sweet Michigan jacket

St. Mary’s advancing to the Final Four: My mom’s name is Mary. (uh oh, we may have a new favorite)

FINAL FOUR

UNLV over Florida: I like Vegas better than Florida. (Showgirls > Blue Hairs)

St. Mary’s over Florida State: Mom. (Mom > Jenn Sterger)

Brett was distraught over Jenn's defeat

CHAMPIONSHIP:

St. Mary’s over UNLV: I love my mom more than anyone in the world, so I picked St. Mary’s to win the championship. (Too bad her mom’s name wasn’t Jerry Tarkanian)

Tark's take on the championship loss: "mmmfmfhghgmm"

As I finished our interview she asked me how I make my picks:

Me: Just go with my gut and sometimes look at seedings if I’m not sure.                             Her: What’s a seeding?                                                                                                                       Me: The little numbers next to the team names.                                                                           Her: Oh, I thought those were scores.

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Introducing Mrs. Sports Human

Posted on March 12, 2012 by S.Human

This is my wife, for privacy purposes we will call her Mrs. Sports Human. She is the love of my life and I’m extremely lucky and thankful to have her. She is beautiful, smart, classy, funny, witty, compassionate and pretty much the best thing to ever happen to me. We have a lot of similarities between us but just like any married couple there are a handful differences that we each do our best to see past and live with. The most glaring difference in my wife and I is that I absolutely love sports and she hates them, a lot. It must be noted this isn’t a deal-breaker, obviously if it was I wouldn’t be with her 7 years after we first met, oddly enough in the student section of an SEC football game as undergrads. My wife doesn’t prevent me from watching and enjoying sports and she’s always happy to accompany me to any sporting event I want to attend, especially college football games as tailgating is the only thing associated with sports that she thoroughly enjoys. She’ll always feign interest and keep me entertained with commentary during the game, which is one of the reasons I started this blog. She doesn’t pretend to know anything about sports or care to learn, she simply feels motivated to ask questions or give an opinion every once in a glorious while. At first I was appalled by her lack of sports knowledge but I’ve grown to accept who she is and now it’s a major form of entertainment in my life when she randomly decides to impart her sports lack of wisdom. It’s so entertaining in fact that I wanted to share her sports opinions with the world and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. I will update this blog with Mrs. Sports Human musings but in the mean time feel free to follow her on Twitter: @mrssportshuman

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The Slippery Slope of Following College Recruits on Twitter

Posted on January 16, 2012 by S.Human

The popularity of Twitter can be attributed to many things but perhaps one of the biggest reasons is it’s ability to give regular people the opportunity to interact with their favorite celebrities, athletes and other famous personalities. A subsequent interest in college sports recruiting has caused two worlds to collide and produced a controversial situation where every day high school kids are thrust into the bright and sometimes blinding spotlight that is big time college athletics.

Follow me, kids

Millions of high school aged kids use Twitter everyday to communicate with friends and classmates about their mundane day-to-day activities. Most tweets are harmless and insignificant except to the handful of followers of each user. There is a very small percentage of those kids, however, who can draw interest from thousands of people from all across the country for one reason: they are a highly rated college basketball or football recruit. The moment a recruit’s name and rating shows up on a recruiting website die-hard recruitniks and college sports fans seek him out on Facebook and Twitter. The interest grows significantly when specific schools are attached to a recruit, whether it be because of a scholarship offer or unofficial visit. Once a recruit is identified on Twitter, fans of schools he is interested in begin to interact with him an effort to get him to commit to their school. This is where potential problems begin.

Why don't you have a seat over there?

First and foremost it must be stated that recruits aren’t forced to be on Twitter or make their identities public. However, once their names and faces are on recruiting websites they in essence become an unwilling public figure and subject to the scrutiny that comes along with being such a person. Twitter users of all ages: from teenagers to grandfathers, become followers of a recruit either before or after he has publicly stated interest in their favorite college team. Recruiting is the lifeblood of any college sports program and interest in it has exploded in recent years, however there is still something inherently creepy about a grown man following and interacting with a 17 or 18 year old on the Internet. Obviously most followers are harmless fans who want to do their part to help recruit a player to their favorite team. Furthermore there are many young athletes who like to feel wanted by fans and appreciate the support. Although the effectiveness of Twitter recruiting is unknown and the creepy factor is off the charts, most communication between fan and recruit is harmless and good-natured.

5 star recruit if coach puts him in

That can all change in an instant however when a recruit makes his final college decision, that is when all hell breaks loose. Comments that begin as harmless propaganda quickly turn vile and disparaging once a recruit selects his school. Perhaps the most disturbing part is that some of those remarks don’t come from immature teenagers but from grown ass men. Though most creepsters take their rejection like adults there is a segment that takes the loss personally and goes on the offensive. Several recruits over the years have had to shutdown their accounts due to flaming and threats from scorned fans. Unfortunately this is yet another ugly side to the ever intensifying world of college sports recruiting. No matter what there will always be a segment of each fan base that lacks any semblance of class and self control. It’s likely that most of these people are ones who never quite lived out the sports glory that they envisioned as high school athletes themselves. Those same people are the sewage of college sports fans and give their entire fan base a bad name. While this trash is few and far between it only takes a few to cause damage a school’s reputation.

Even though recruits don’t have to be on Twitter and are in the public eye, there is absolutely no reasonable excuse for adults to disparage or criticize them about their college choice. Twitter recruiting could potentially be effective if done in a classy and responsible way, however just remember that it only takes a few bad apples to ruin it for everyone.

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The SEC Road Trip Guide to Branson

Posted on December 28, 2011 by S.Human

Earlier this year it was announced that the University of Missouri would become the 14th member of the Southeastern Conference. Today, the 2012 SEC football schedules were released and some SEC fans saw that their team would be traveling to a faraway Yankee town named Columbia, MO.  SEC fans rarely travel north of the Mason Dixon so the fact they may be doing it once every couple of years may make some Southerners uneasy. Though Columbia is located in the heart of the state halfway between Midwest Liberal outposts Kansas City and St. Louis, there is one God fearin’, gun totin’ town that is a must for any traveling SEC fan: Branson, the land of banjos and bluehairs.

This quaint town of less than 10,000 is nestled in the scenic Ozark Mountains and is home to several theme parks, outlet malls and all-you-can-eat buffets. However most of the 8 million or so yearly visitors to Branson come for one thing: the country music shows. Branson is home to nearly 100 live music theaters, most of them country singers who your grandparents were probably listening to when your parents were conceived. But alas, it is country music, and southerners like country music right? Let’s run down the list of some notable Branson shows that SEC fans should become familiar with now that Missouri is a yearly conference destination.

3 Redneck Tenors-The boonies meet Broadway in this hillbilly musical staring three mullet-clad rednecks named Billy Joe, Billy Bob and Billy Billie. May remind SEC fans of their local church choir.

Not pictured: John Daly, honorary member

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Glen Campbell with Restless Heart-While he doesn’t have his own theater Glen Campbell is a regular on the Branson scene and is performing a few shows there during his farewell tour. Also he’s always up for a tailgate.

"Sorry for partyin"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Baldknobbers Jamboree-This show has musicians with banjos and comedians with no teeth, perfect for SEC fans.

Nice overalls Coach Chizik

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shoji Tabuchi Show-Hey look Branson has some diversity! Fear not though SEC fans, he has a hot blonde wife and still calls his violin a fiddle, so he’s kind of Southern.

Possible 2012 Bowl Game: The Shoji Haircut Bowl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yakov Smirnoff Show-Yes he is Russian but don’t worry SEC fans, Yakov isn’t a sleeper agent for the KGB nor is he a commie pinko. He also doesn’t give out free samples of vodka at his show, that would be too convenient.

Beard: Total Frat Move....Perm and multi-color sweater: Not sure much

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dolly Parton’s Dixie Stampede-What is more Southern than a dinner show called Dixie Stampede owned by Dolly Parton? And no, she doesn’t show her boobs.

Also enjoy Dolly's other Branson attraction: Motorboat Stampede

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Haygoods-The boy band of Branson attracts women of all ages, perfect place to pick up chicks for SEC fans, just remember the age of consent in the state of Missouri is 17, the state is in SEC country but it’s still not the south.

Branson's #1 Sausage Fest

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kirby Van Burch-This show features magic, illusions and exotic animals. But no, you cannot bring your 12 gauge.

Which one of these is male?

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Phillie Fans On Meltdown Watch Tonight

Posted on October 7, 2011 by S.Human

It's Always Stunny in Philadelphia

Tonight is Game 5 of the NLDS series between the St. Louis Cardinals and Philadelphia Phillies at Citizens Bank Park. Before the season the Phillies were the most popular pick in either league to win the World Series. After a 102 win regular season the Phils and their starting rotation of 4 potential Hall of Famers are on the brink of being knocked out of the playoffs by a team that lost their ace in spring training. It would be a choke job equivalent to the Miami Heat and their Big 3 getting beat in the finals by the Dallas Mavericks. But I’m not here to talk about sports, I’m here to talk about the fans, and Philly has some of the most notorious fans in all of sports, especially when it involves the St. Louis Cardinals. That means that tonight, if the Cards beat the Phils, has the potential to be a memorable evening in Philadelphia sports fan history. Earlier this series Phillie fans showed why stereotypes about them exist when they applauded and cheered wildly when an errant fastball came inches from Cardinal hitter Allen Craig’s head, sending him to the deck.

They Mad

This is far from the first time Phillie fans have showed ill-will towards a Cardinal however. In 1997 the Phillies drafted a stud outfielder from Florida State by the name of JD Drew. Drew and his agent Scott Boras rebuffed the Phillies when they refused to meet their salary demands and Drew instead opted to sign with the Cardinals. From that moment he became public enemy #1 in Philly. In his first visit to Veterans Stadium as a Cardinal Drew was relentlessly booed and cursed by the angry natives. While there is nothing wrong with some verbal abuse, Phillie fans took it a step further and hurled “D” batteries at the outfielder during the game. This wasn’t a one-time incident either, Drew was loathed and berated every time he came to Philly in subsequent years.

Psycho Hose Beast

Philly is a scorned lover that holds a grudge equivalent to that of a psycho ex-girlfriend, just ask another Cardinal player, Scott Rolen. Rolen was a highly successful player for the Phillies but fell out of favor with the fans when he demanded a trade after disagreements with management. Rolen was traded to the Cardinals and every time he returned to Philly he was given similar treatment to Drew, sans the batteries. This treatment has continued to this day, almost a decade after the trade. Since Rolen left the Cardinals in 2008 there hasn’t been another Cardinal player to the draw the ire of Phillie fans, unless you count Albert Pujols. Practicing the age old tradition of booing a superstar athlete only because he’s a bad ass, Phillie fans regularly rain down boos on Pujols every time he comes up to bat. Fortunately up to this point no Duracells have been hurled in his direction, that we know of. That could all change tonight. Things could get really ugly in Citizens Bank Park if the Cardinals were to pull off this improbable upset. Phillie fans may focus their anger on the Cardinals, umpires or even their own team. I hope that Philadelphia PD has powerful batteries in their tazers, and if not, I’m sure they’ll be able to find a few lying on the field somewhere.

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Court Storming Czar Holds Court, er, Field

Posted on September 20, 2011 by S.Human

The Original Pro Combat Uniform

A couple of weeks ago we introduced you to the Court Storming Czar, a mysterious sports savant that monitors the habits of sports fans around the country, specifically those that fancy rushing onto the field of play after a victory. He rules swiftly and with an iron fist. Without further adieu here are the CSC’s latest rulings:

Dateline: AMES, Iowa, September 9th – Iowa State fans storm the field after 3-OT win over rival Iowa

Who wants to win the Creepy Pedofile Farmer Trophy?

CSC: Iowa State beat an unranked Iowa team that is having a down year by Hawkeye standards. Yes it’s a huge in-state rivalry and Iowa State has been a long time slumpbuster of the Big 12 (soon to be Conference USA) but it’s not like they beat a real powerhouse. Even though they may not be in a BCS conference next season they are now and they need to act like it. BCS conference teams don’t rush the field after beating another mediocre BCS conference team that is unranked. I don’t care that it’s a rivalry game or that it was a 3OT game. Ruling: UNWARRANTED

Dateline: CLEMSON, South Carolina, September 16th – Clemson fans storm the field after beating defending national champion Auburn

Howard's Rock (Bottom)

CSC: Clemson beating Auburn snapped the nation’s longest winning streak. Auburn was ranked 21st and Clemson, always the SEC wannabe, was probably bitching about not being ranked despite being 2-0 (SEC BIAS!!!!). Clemson proved why the SEC, and nobody else in college football, takes you seriously because your own fans went apeshit when you beat a Cam Newton-less Auburn team that everyone knows will have a down year after last year’s title run. A CSC general rule of thumb: only teams that notoriously suck can rush the field after beating a non-top 10 team, period! Ruling: UNWARRANTED

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Baylor wants to stay in Big 12; football crowds better suited for Conference USA

Posted on September 14, 2011 by S.Human

Those endzone fans are camouflaged as a giant tarp!

As we all know by now Baylor University is single handedly holding up conference realignment, no doubt afraid where they may land after a potential shake-up is complete. Speculation varies on where Baylor will end up if indeed the Big 12 folds. While there is hope that the Bears remain in a BCS Conference like the Big East there is really only one obvious destination for them to land: Conference USA. While Baylor has fielded nationally competitive teams in men’s and women’s basketball in recent years, they have remained a perennial football doormat in the Big 12. Sure they have a potential Heisman candidate this year in Robert Griffin III but by season’s end they will be a 7-5 team and end up in some mediocre bowl game- like last year’s Texas Bowl- their first bowl game since joining the Big 12. Baylor’s struggles can be attributed to being in one of the toughest divisions in college football but it’s hard to be competitive when your fans can’t fill your stadium on a consistent basis. Attendance is so bad that a few years ago Baylor put a large tarp over the south endzone which covers almost 5,000 seats, it’s only removed when teams like Texas and Texas A&M come to town and their fans need additional seating. Since Baylor arrived (or escorted by former Texas Governor and Baylor alum Ann Richards) in the Big 12 they have ranked dead last in the conference in football attendance. Last year was arguably the best team Baylor has had since joining the Big 12, here is how their fans responded:

2010 Big 12 Football Home Attendance

Team Total Attendance  
Texas 704,580 (7 gms)
Nebraska 599,648 (7 gms)
Texas A&M 577,338 (7 gms)
Oklahoma 508,426  
Missouri 369,240  
Oklahoma State 355,684 (7 gms)
Texas Tech 342,647  
Iowa State 317,767 (7 gms)
Kansas  313,955 (7 gms)
Kansas State 298,897  
Colorado 281,182  
Baylor 240,259  
     
Team Avg Attendance Per Game  
Texas 100,654  
Nebraska 85,664  
Oklahoma 84,738  
Texas A&M 82,447  
Missouri 61,540  
Texas Tech 57,108  
Oklahoma State 50,812  
Kansas State 49,816  
Colorado 46,864  
Iowa State 45,395  
Kansas   44,851  
Baylor 40,043  
     
Team % of Capacity  
Texas Tech 106.2  
Nebraska 105.6  
Oklahoma 103.2  
Texas   100.5  
Kansas State 99.6  
Texas A&M 99.3  
Missouri 90.1  
Kansas   89.3  
Colorado 87.1  
Oklahoma State 84.4  
Iowa State 82.3  
Baylor 80.1  

Now Baylor fans would point out that their school has the lowest enrollment in the Big 12 and subsequently less alumni. This is true, however, Waco (where the school is located) has the third highest population among Big 12 college towns and is one of only three Big 12 schools that is located less than 200 miles from TWO of the top 10 most populated metro areas in the country (4. DFW, 6. Houston). Considering they have a hard time filling their own stadium it’s not surprising that Baylor football fans don’t travel to opposing stadiums in droves either. In fact, for this year’s game in College Station (90 miles away) against the Aggies Baylor requested 2,000 visitor tickets, they only sold 830. Ironically, travel costs were a concern that was addressed in Baylor’s “Rise Up for Big 12 Football” (formally known as ”Don’t Mess With Texas Football”) manifesto that was released amid realignment rumors:

“Will you ask them to consider the costs to families who dreamed of the day they would watch their student-athletes on the field for their beloved school?”

 That’s right, Baylor is concerned that if the Big 12 is disbanded their fans might be unable to travel to watch their teams play. Funny, seems most of their fans aren’t willing to even pay $10 for a parking ticket to see a home game or $60 in gas to drive less than 200 miles. Oh but you have to figure in the price of tickets. True, but it’s not exactly like a Baylor football ticket is a hot commodity these days, at least not for home games. Take this week’s game against Stephen F. Austin in Waco, let’s just say there are plenty of good seats available at an affordable rate:

So to take a family four to the Baylor game this Saturday your tickets would set you back a whopping $4 (with Stub Hub fees it may even reach double digits!). Figure in the $10 for parking and $20 for concessions and a trip to see the Bears play would cost you in the neighborhood of $40, for a family of four. But it’s only Stephen F. Austin, well, according to the Baylor propaganda mentioned earlier you “Don’t Mess With Texas Football” and last I checked SFA is in Texas. Besides, all BCS schools play cupcakes at home each year and they don’t seem to have a problem selling tickets for more than the cost of a Double Stack at Wendy’s

Cheaper and tastier than a Baylor ticket

Now I’m not here to harp on Baylor, the numbers speak for themselves. What I’m proposing here is the best option for Baylor once the Big 12 is officially DOA and the answer is clear: Conference USA. First of all there are more C-USA teams inside the state of Texas (remember Don’t Mess With Texas Football) than in the Big 12. Secondly, Baylor would go from being the smallest school in the Big 12 by a wide margain to 7th in C-USA in enrollment. Travel to opposing schools wouldn’t be an issue because as we’ve learned, Baylor fans don’t travel, so it’s a moot point. Most importantly Baylor would go from attendance doormat in the Big 12 to near the top in C-USA.

2010 Conference-USA Home Football Attendance (w/ Baylor 2010 comps)

Team Total Attendance  
East Carolina 297,987  
UCF 277,301 (7 gms)
Baylor 240,259  
Houston 188,366  
Southern Miss 176,400  
UTEP 176,097  
Tulane 162,543 (7 gms)
Marshall 162,276  
Memphis 143,149  
SMU 127,860  
Tulsa 122,272  
UAB 109,442  
Rice 108,549  
     
Team Avg Attendance Per Game  
East Carolina 49,664  
Baylor 40,043  
UCF 39,614  
Houston 31,394  
Southern Miss 29,400  
UTEP 29,349  
Marshall 27,046  
Memphis 23,858  
Tulane 23,220  
SMU 21,310  
Tulsa 20,378  
UAB 18,240  
Rice 18,091  
     
Team % of Capacity  
East Carolina 99.3  
Houston 98.1  
UCF 87.4  
Southern Miss 81.6  
Baylor 80.1  
Marshall 71.1  
Tulsa 67.9  
SMU 66.6  
UTEP 56.9  
Rice 38.5  
Memphis 38.2  
Tulane 31.8  
UAB 25.4  

Floyd Casey Stadium would go from rock bottom of the Big 12 to one of the largest venues in Conference-USA and Baylor would become one of the toughest places in the conference to play. Instead of the likes of Texas and Oklahoma playing in front of crowds smaller than their spring games, Rice, Tulane and UTEP would play in front of crowds almost twice what they are used to at home. Conference wins would go up, Baylor would go to bowls more often and their fans would have more to cheer about when they do decide to show up. You would still have a handful of conference foes in close proximity so fans could travel to see their student-athletes play for their beloved school, hypothetically speaking of course. Most importantly, if Baylor becomes a juggernaut in Conference-USA maybe they would finally be able to remove that giant tarp and actually fill their entire stadium to capacity.

PS. Please don’t sue me for this blog post, Baylor.

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All Hail the Court Storming Czar

Posted on September 7, 2011 by S.Human

College football returned last weekend and with it came all the pageantry and tradition it has to offer: tailgating, fight songs and of course, college students. Those students, many of whom are inebriated and not experienced football fans, sometimes get confused on the unwritten rules of when it’s appropriate to rush the field after a game and when it’s not. It’s often said that college is a time to learn, both academically and socially, and thanks to our new correspondent they now have an opportunity to learn fanatically as well. The Court Storming Czar has been writing the unwritten rules of rushing the field for many years, hoping to bring order and stability to such a chaotic and often abused practice. Whether it be football or basketball, the CSC’s goal is educate the collegiate masses and spare them the public humiliation that comes along with an unwarranted storming. Frequently during the season we will consult with the CSC to get his official ruling on field rushing incidents across the country and whether they were warranted or not. We begin with this week’s cases and the CSC’s verdicts:

Dateline: WACO, Texas, September 2nd - Baylor fans rush the field after thrilling 50-48 upset of #14 TCU

The last great shootout in Waco

CSC: Thoughout pretty much it’s entire history Baylor has been irrelevant in college football (except when it’s trying to block Texas A&M from leaving the Big 12) but with all the hype behind Robert Griffin III they have high expectations in 2011. While TCU has emerged as a solid football program and was ranked #14 they lost a ton from last year’s team. If this were Texas or OU, and if Baylor hadn’t choked away a 24 point lead and almost lost I’d most likely give them a pass…but it’s not, and they did. Ruling: UNWARRANTED

Dateline: WEST LAFAYETTE, Indiana, September 3rd - Purdue fans rush the field after beating Sun Belt Conference power Middle Tennessee State in final minute

Even Purdue Pete is pissed at Boiler fans

CSC: There is absolutely no plausible reason for Purdue students to even think about singing their fight song, let alone rushing the field, after beating a team from the freaking Sun Belt. The only thing more embarrassing than barely beating a shitty team (besides trailing by a touchdown late in the 3rd to said shitty team) is rushing the field like you just won the damn Super Bowl. You should be ashamed of yourself Purdue, if you’re a current student you should never be allowed into a football game again, if you’re an alumni, burn your degree. I don’t even need to pause for syntax on this one: UNWARRANTED

Dateline: SAN ANTONIO, Texas, September 3rd - UT-San Antonio fans rush the field after first victory in program history over Northeastern Oklahoma State

CSC: I have no idea who either of these schools are, they sound like a couple of schools that get their ass beat in the first round of March Madness. Apparently they do play football and this was actually the first game in history for UT-San Antonio. Because of that it’s kind of hard to tell UTSA to “act like they’ve been there before” because well, they haven’t. Even though neither of these teams are worth a damn it’s still pretty impressive UTSA sold out the Alamodome and because this is the first victory in the program’s history I give them a pass. Ruling: WARRANTED



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Exclusive footage from the Big 12 home office

Posted on September 7, 2011 by S.Human

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Death to the Wave

Posted on August 24, 2011 by S.Human

We all know how it begins: a couple of shirtless drunk dudes or a group of pre-prepubescent teenagers walk to the front of your section and demand your attention. Before a single word can be emitted from their mouths we already know their intentions: they want to do the effing wave. As they shout the complex instructions fans in their section squirm with anxiety. They know, no matter how much they detest the wave, they don’t want to be berated by the wave starters in front of everyone so they begrudgingly prepare themselves. Once instructions are given (stand up, wave your arms over your head, make a ‘wooo’ sound, sit down) the dreaded countdown begins: 3…2…1…GO!!! With that the wave starters hurry to the next section hoping to carry the wave mojo with them. Inevitably the next section, like their predecessors, are reluctant to participate in such a lame pasttime. So the wave starters repeat their instructions/insults to the next section and go back to the beginning and try again…..then repeat 2-3 more times with the next sections over until, VOILA!, the wave is born. As the wave snakes around the stadium the wave starters cheer with anticipation then after it makes a full revolution they yell, high five, then sit back down and talk about how great it was. Those that reluctantly took part give a smirk of approval but inside they are ashamed of taking part in the worst sports fan cheer in history.

There was a time when the wave wasn’t considered cheesy, or lame, or retarded however. The exact origins of the wave are highly disputed but the earliest version supposedly first appeared on American soil at Pacific Lutheran University in Tacoma, Washington. A cheerleader named Bill Peterson would run the sidelines at basketball games and get the crowd to stand and cheer as he ran past them. While the wave was rumored to exist at Canadian hockey games and Mexican soccer games in the 70s it didn’t become mainstream in the U.S. until 1981 in Oakland thanks to aptly named A’s superfan Krazy George Henderson. On October 15th, during an ALCS game against the Yankees, Krazy George orchestrated the first ever full stadium wave at an American sporting event.

Just two weeks later at the University of Washington two students named Dave Hunter and Robb Weller started the wave by standing in front of the student section at football games and shouting instructions. The practice caught on and the wave was performed at Husky Stadium at every home game that season. Even fans of the crosstown Seattle Seahawks took a fancy to the practice and did the wave at every game that season as well.

In the fall of 1983 the Michigan Wolverines played the Huskies in Seattle and were so impressed with the wave that they brought it back to Ann Arbor for their fans to do during games in the Big House. Wolverines head coach Bo Schembechler, a man obviously way ahead of his time, found the sight and sound of 100,000+ fans doing the wave to be a distraction and asked the fans to stop. They compromised and opted for a ‘silent wave’ so as not to be as distracting to the team.

Much like the wave moved from UW to the NFL’s Seahawks, fans of the nearby Detroit Tigers caught on to the wave that was being performed in Ann Arbor and began doing it at Tiger games themselves. In 1984 the Tigers won the World Series and because the games were broadcast on national TV many in the U.S. were exposed to the wave for the first time. Earlier that same year UCLA and Illinois fans collectively did the wave during the Rose Bowl game that was also broadcast on national TV. After these two televised events the wave caught on like wild fire. Soon stadiums all across the country were filled with fans partaking in the synchronized cheer.

In the 30 years since the wave was invented we have seen it everywhere from JV football games to the Olympics. Yes there are a few people that there that still in enjoy it (primarily the aforementioned shirtless drunks and pre-pubescent teens) but it has run it’s course. It’s become more of a nuissance at this point. When fans buy a ticket to a sporting event they want to watch the game, not see Bubba’s armpit fat flapping around in front of them. It’s annoying to see in person and even on television. It’s embarassing to see it occuring in your stadium. It’s played out, it’s stupid, it’s cheesy, it’s lame and it needs to die, now. I urge all of you that the next time you’re in a stadium and someone tries to start the wave that you sit pat, snarl, cross your arms and shake your head in disapproval. Perhaps your neighbors will catch on and do the same, and then the next section, then the next, then the next. In fact, if enough people do it perhaps we have the next great synchronized fan cheer and we’ll call it ‘The Sports Human.’

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